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Manipulation in Relationships

Manipulation in Relationships

Manipulation in relationships is pervasive in all relationships in life.  Be it our relationships with our significant other, our child or with a friend, most people resort to some form of manipulation in the course of their life to get what they want without having to be vulnerable and state exact needs.  We fear vulnerability because of the fear of rejection and abandonment; denial of our needs feels much more hurtful than that of getting our needs met through manipulation. When one person wants another person to do something, our human nature can readily resort to some type of manipulative words or behaviors to get what we desire in the situation.  Transversely, when someone is trying to get us to do something that we do not want to do, our human nature can quickly resort to passive manipulation as our way of maintaining power and saying no without being rejected. Think of the child who is told no to a request for a piece of candy. The child does not yet have control of their impulses, and so they may start whining for the candy or throw a fit of rage to try to manipulate the adult to give them what they request.  If the child is given the candy as a result of their manipulation, they are likely to quickly learn at an early age that they can manipulate people to get what they what they want. We learn manipulative tactics at an early age from observing the ways of our parents, and we slowly start incorporating manipulative ways into how we live. Some of the manipulation tactics are very visible, and some are more covert in their expression, but none of the tactics builds safety in relationships. Children will not feel safe and secure with parents who manipulate them, our significant relationships will not grow where manipulation is present, and our friendships will be stunted in growth under the absence of vulnerability and the presence of manipulation.  Manipulation twists relationships into something that cannot thrive because of the poisons of hurtful words of behaviors can stunt the growth of a relationship, cause abnormalities to develop and in some cases cause the relationship to die. If we want our relationships to thrive, we are going to need to work hard at not only eliminating manipulative behaviors and words and become more vulnerable in our expression of our needs and feelings. In the attached podcast, Sharon Wegman and Cait Beiler discuss the continuum of manipulative words and actions including; Isolating, withholding, minimizing, accusation, deceit, coercion, demeaning, criticism, rage, and threatening amongst other behaviors.

Did you ever wonder why it is hard for you to maintain new habits once you have started them?  Be it an exercise routine, an eating plan or a cleaning plan, it can be hard to maintain new and we wind up cycling back to old.  I have a very bad habit of not putting away my clothing when I change out of clothing, and quickly amass large piles of assorted clean clothing.  It’s a habit I am capable of changing; however, the problem is my belief system.  I believe I am messy with my clothing and, while organized in most other areas of my life, this one belief has been hard to change.  How about you?  What are the beliefs that cause you to resume old habits because the belief systems are what keeps us stuck?  If we want to change our circumstances, we are going to have to change our beliefs.  Maybe we were verbally abused by our parents so our belief may be that people can say disrespectful things to us and we just have to allow it.  Perhaps people in your developmental years were constantly living in lies, and you were taught not to question your gut experience of things. Or maybe you were sexually abused as a child and learned to treat your body with shame by mistreating it in some way.  Our worldview is formed by age 12, and many of still allow the child inside of us decide how we will behave and how we will allow others to treat us.  It’s time for the adult to start deciding what they believe about themselves and acting out of that truth instead of allowing the child to drive your life.  In my life, my spiritual beliefs of how God views me have caused me to change my beliefs about myself and how things can change in my life.  However, there are many people who were taught God is a punishing and vindictive God, and they still live out of that belief system which keeps them stuck in a cycle of perfectionism or shame with God.  There is no easy math equation regarding beliefs in life when trauma and loss enter into our lives. However, it is possible to begin to understand what your beliefs are that keep you stuck and begin to change the way you think.  Unhealthy beliefs will result in unhealthy choices and circumstances.  Healthy beliefs will result in healthy choices and circumstances.  Choose today whom you will let drive the car of your life; the child or the adult will drive the car.  The adult in my life has a clean closet more days than not because I force myself to own the belief that I am capable of putting away my clothes.  Each time I do this simple habit change, I think to myself, “You are an adult who likes a clean and environment and this habit brings you peace and joy.  You can put away your clothing each day.”  While, you, the reader may be irritated with my analogy of cleaning up clothing, it’s a simple analogy to underscore that even small habit changes can bring life to areas that once held shame.

 

Romans 12:2 (MSG)

So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

Thank You

I admit it. I am about to sound like a cranky old lady, who rants about the younger generation, but I am not that person. I have a problem that people do not require their children to learn the art of writing thank you notes and showing gratitude to people. I see these attitudes invading marriages and families, and it disturbs me that the art of gratitude is being lost amidst the growing entitlement I see in marriages and families. Here is the rule by which I try to live: I will not use the money or item someone has given me until I first write a note of thanks honoring the sacrifice and gift that was given to me. That same rule applies for my children. One of my children follows the rule very easily and the other needs to have some motivation applied to make sure it occurs. I have a personal mission in life that they will not be entitled children who become entitled adults because it will cut off the flow of favor they will receive as adults; people honor people who honor them. I am seeing a whole new generation of people who expect behaviors from people with whom they are in a relationship because “that is what they are supposed to do.” I have men who tell me that their wife needs to give them sex because that’s what they need, but they fail to give the nurture their wives needs to be cherished. I have wives with husbands who fail to engage them as they are supposed to because they are constantly criticizing their husband. I have children telling me what their parents should be doing but failing to honor it when they do it for them because it is the expected behavior they have of their parents. I have employees telling me what they deserve, yet fail to put into the job what they expect out of a job. Do you want your children to be less entitled? Do you want to be less entitled and more gracious? Start writing thank you notes. When someone does you favor, gives to you, or does something for you out of the ordinary, write a thank you note to honor what they have given. In the grand scheme of life, people who honor will receive more and people who do not honor might or might not be honored in return. Thank you for listening to my old person rant. I appreciate and honor your support of me and my desire to blog.

Pushing Beyond the Waves

Have you ever tried to navigate a boat from the bay to the open ocean? It is not an easy process depending upon how large the waves that are coming in are sized. Fighting against the waves is a complicated process, and many choose not to push through the waves to the freedom of the open sea. Instead, they stay in the calm waters of the bay. The same goes for choices in life. Many make decisions based on the amount of resistance the decision will incur, not on the freedom on the other side of the wave line. The waves can be like so many things that resist you moving to freedom and, let’s make this clear, waves only move in one direction. They do not change course; you have to wade through them to get to the other side of the wave line:

1. Your psyche that has been doing things the same way for years on end.
2. Your family or friends who like what you do for them and resist your making changes.
3. Your psyche that feels guilt and shame when changes are made, and people are upset.
4. Finances that seem stuck in holding patterns.
5. Jobs that do not create opportunities for advancement.

The list could go on forever, but the theme is the same. There will never a time when the waves of life are not preventing you from moving forward, be it emotionally, socially, behaviorally, financially, etc. So how do we have hope to go through the wave line to the freedom of the open seas that will take us to new destinations? The answer is hope. Hope is like the lifeline of a life preserver – that when I cling to it, I do not go under the water but stay on top. What you put your hope in becomes the larger question. Is your hope in your attitude, your hard work, your plan, your family, your friends? Your government?

I put my hope in God, and God becomes my flotation device as I face the waves that come my way. There will always be waves, but there will always be a true God and I put my hope in Him.

A psalm of David when he fled from his son, Absalom.
1 LORD, how many are my foes! How many rise up against me! 2 Many are saying of me, “God will not deliver him.” 3 But you, LORD, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high. 4 I call out to the LORD, and he answers me from his holy mountain. 5 I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me. 6 I will not fear though tens of thousands assail me on every side

Ultimate Fail Days

There are days when you navigate life with tremendous skills and days when you have Ultimate Fail days. Sometimes I have days that I unintentionally let people down and the one who feels the worst about it is usually me. Today was one of those Ultimate Fail days. I forgot to call someone, I missed an appointment, and I forgot to email someone something – all within the course of few short hours. I had a choice as to how I was going to navigate those failures. My past was littered with pity parties and self-hate sessions that would last a whole day; however, I am trying to look at failures differently these days because I am learning that there are benefits to failing. Most successes are usually built upon previous failures and failure usually comes before success. Failures show me where I need improvement and failures are packed full of lessons on how to do life differently, but there is a catch; how do I do different if I do not know how to do something different? This is the question that can be addressed with others through therapy, your job, church, school, friends and sometimes your family. It seems we all know what we need to do, but we don’t necessary know how to achieve it because we need someone to teach us how to do that new way of living. Many times how we learned to navigate life is through the patterns our parents and grandparents taught us to deal with life. Alas, many of us enter adulthood lacking the essential skills necessary to be successful in multiple areas: having friends, pursuing education, pursuing purpose, making financial decisions, intimately relating to those close to us in our lives, etc, etc, etc.. Where are you lacking skills? Who do you see who is successful in those areas you are lacking? These are the people we need to learn from because we are never going to be able to teach ourselves something that was never modeled to us unless, of course, the person who is teaching us happens to be named God.

Sometimes good can be the enemy of best. We can fill our lives easily with things that are good to do and ignore doing the things that are best for us. Be it spending time listening to our spouse, playing with our children, doing self-care or spending time with God, we can often choose good over best. If you are a people pleaser choosing to not do good in the effort to do what is best is particularly hard because you may disappoint others. What is Best for the rest of your day? Go do Best! – SW
Ephesians 5:15-16 So, then, be careful how you live. Do not be unwise but wise, making the best use of your time because the times are evil.

Relationship Change is Exhausting and Invigorating – Just Like Moving.

Around this time last year I moved. It was exhausting and difficult, and every day I crawled in bed close to tears. Change is hard on so many levels and this is true in relationships as well as household changes. I was recently reflecting on how difficult it can be to change how you relate to your spouse when you have related in the same ways for so many years. Like moving, transition in relationships can be hard. You have to decide what you are going to keep and discard in your relationship transition. As people grow and change, what they need in the new relationship is not necessarily what was needed in the past. Many changes in the course of a marriage will impact what the marriage needs and what each person needs as time marches forward. Births, deaths, illness, the ages of your children, the work status of each person, spiritual crisis, emotional crisis, extended family issues, holidays and many other things will impact how your relationship needs to transition. The new relationship will require both parties to move around how they had positioned themselves toward one another. Rare is the occasion when how the furniture was positioned one house can be positioned in the same way in the new location. In all relationships moving, to the new way it is to exist will require some difficult conversations often filled with pain and hurt. The pain and hurt is usually so large that it is exhausting for the couple and yet they must push through the pain and exhaustion to get to the other side. One person cannot move the relationship alone. You just cannot carry the relationship to the new without both parties doing the heavy lifting and feeling the pain, but that is a hard task. Rare is the person who embraces emotional pain and allows themselves to sit in it until it can be moved and yet it is what is necessary to make the move together. Relationships cannot be moved to the new alone, but they require heavy lifting, pain and exhaustion close to tears. We cannot do it alone. We need the supernatural medicating power of God to assist us through all transitions as he has the power that we can lean into when we do not feel it in and of ourselves.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
9 Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. 10 For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! 11 Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? 12 And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

 

6 Tips for Empowering Your Summer

Empowering Your Summer Tip 1

Create a daily schedule. Scheduling will reduce whining because children will know what is coming and be empowered to know when they will have time to do what they want to do. Scheduling will also reduce the ” out of control” feeling for mommies too!

Empowering Your Summer Tip 2

Have fun with your kids!

https://www.care.com/a/101-fun-things-to-do-with-kids-this-summer-1305030150

Empowering Your Summer Tip 3
Start making your schedule for your children’s plans now. The best laid out plans are the plans that are likely to succeed. If you want to create a structured summer, make a plan for that now. Schedule out day trips, free movie and library events and fun afternoons on the calendar to ensure the events will happen. Make a plan for some fun events like water balloon wars and neighborhood talent shows but make the plan now so that they will be on the calendar and likely to happen.

Empowering your Summer Tip 4

Make sure your children continue to connect with school friends throughout the summer so that going back to school will be easier. If your children do not have school friends close by, make sure that you have weekly or biweekly school friend play dates. Regular contact with school friends will reduce back to school anxiety. When my children were younger they attended a private school and most of their friends did not live in the same school district. We developed a schedule where we invited school friends to either a play day where we met children at a local park or invited friends to come to the swimming pool with us. It was good socialization for both the mommies and the children. The weekly schedule was given to friends prior to the end of school so that other mommies could incorporate it into their summer schedules. Park days would run from 10-12 AM and pool days from 12-3 PM.

Empowering Your Summer Tip 5
Summer Boundaries!http://www.boundariesbooks.com/boundaries-with-kids/7-tips-summer-boundaries-with-kids/

Empowering Your Summer Tip Number 6

Many mothers feel extra stress the first two weeks of summer because of all of the new elements of summer hitting their households at the same time. School work has ceased, siblings are together more, bedtime and wake times shift, etc, etc, etc. I often challenge mothers to not react to the new realities of summer “togetherness” for the first two to three weeks of summer. The entire family is responding and reacting to all the changes in their daily schedule; thus, the first two to three weeks are the transition weeks into the new way of living. If you prepare ahead of time with structure and boundaries as described in the Empowering Your Summer Series on our Facebook page, you will be positioned to keep reaffirming to yourself and to your children that these are the pains of transition, the labor pains, and this will not be our reality for the coming weeks and months. By constantly restating that transition to the new ways of summer is occurring, you hopefully will reframe your current reality and not be powerless, fearful or hopeless in your reactions to the changes going on in your household . The positive byproduct of your reframing will be teaching your children that change does not come seamlessly. Birthing new ways of living in your summer schedule and routine many times has labor pains attached to it.

Are You Looking Back or Looking Forward?

Do you know anyone who spends a lot of time reminiscing about how good things were in the past instead of creating good in the present? We tend to skew our perception of reality when we long for things of the past to be in the present. Rarely can old ways be contained in our new reality because in order for things of old to be part of our new present reality, those things/people of old have to become new, too.

Jesus said it this way in Matthew 9: 17, “Neither is new wine put into old wineskins. If it is, the skins burst and the wine is spilled and the skins are destroyed. But new wine is put into fresh wineskins, and so both are preserved.”

Stop looking behind you to see what people from your past are doing and start moving toward people who are in your present and your future. Just like Lot’s wife in the Bible who turned into a pillar of salt when she looked back at her former life, you, too, will become stuck and unmoving.

Engage with Your Creator: Do Something New Today!!

Sometimes it is sooooooooo hard to keep new habits. We all want to create new and updated versions of self, but alas, the realities of being stuck in the ruts of old ways are hard to break. I started a new habit in January of trying to write blog posts twice a week. At first I was able to keep the habit, but then I decided a more reasonable goal was to write a blog once a week. Then my speaking engagements for the spring picked up speed, and I was spending all of my writing time prepping for my speaking time. My new habit was slowly being phased out of being a habit and, unfortunately when I was finally healthy, did not have house company, wasn’t speaking somewhere, and able to write a blog again, I forgot about even trying to write. That’s the nature of new things. They are hard to maintain when you get sidetracked. My new strategy is to write on a Monday afternoon and, if I am unable to complete that task, I will aim for finishing on a Wednesday afternoon. Doing new things is a really important value to me. Every time I do something new, I am seeing more of who and what I am capable of being. Doing new things is a spiritual process because we are engaging with the creator. We are creating new where once there was old. Engage with your creator this week. Do something new.

Isaiah 43:19-21The Message (MSG)

16-21 This is what God says,
the God who builds a road right through the ocean,
who carves a path through pounding waves,
The God who summons horses and chariots and armies—
they lie down and then can’t get up;
they’re snuffed out like so many candles:
“Forget about what’s happened;
don’t keep going over old history.
Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new.
It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it?
There it is! I’m making a road through the desert,
rivers in the badlands.
Wild animals will say ‘Thank you!’
—the coyotes and the buzzards—
Because I provided water in the desert,
rivers through the sun-baked earth,
Drinking water for the people I chose,
the people I made especially for myself,
a people custom-made to praise me.