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Addicted to the Addict

When we think about addiction, we may be inclined to view it strictly through the lens of someone who abuses drugs or alcohol. However, if you have ever loved someone with an addiction, then you know that it is not that simple. In fact, those that love someone with an addiction may actually find themselves with an almost “second hand” addiction. I am referring to codependency. Codependency has a diverse spectrum and can be a complex and challenging concept. The form of codependency that will be focused on here is the residual addictive behaviors and emotions that come from loving someone with an addiction – when one becomes addicted to the addict. 

To begin, it can be helpful to view addiction as a series of obsessions and compulsions. While we watch our loved one obsess over their substance of choice and have compulsive risky and unhealthy behaviors required to sustain the addiction, we can very easily be sucked into their “obsessive-compulsive” world. Regardless of the title of the relationship, it is natural to want to spare someone we love from hardships. This becomes especially challenging with someone in active addiction, who we might see all but actively seek out hardships through risky behavior and unhealthy decisions. Due to the nature of addiction, these acts of “kindness” once rooted in love can soon switch to compulsive behavior based on fear, confusion, and general powerlessness. Have you found yourself obsessing over where your loved one is or rethink every interaction with them to see if there are any holes in their story? Or maybe questions such as “are they safe”, “are they using”, “who are they with”, “why are they doing this” flood your mind. These obsessive thoughts can lead to compulsive behavior in an attempt to self soothe the obsession and spare ourselves the guilt, shame, or embarrassment that accompanies them. Some examples might be minimizing behavior, providing money as a bailout to a financial pinch, or becoming a detective and constantly investigating your loved one’s belongings, statements, or behaviors.

Because of the chaotic nature of addiction, our emotions are often experienced in extremes, with stress being arguably the most common. When our body feels stress, the brain begins sending out various signals “sounding the alarm” accompanied by a rush of adrenaline. This feeling might be familiar in the way someone’s heart races when their loved one comes home under the influence, or stomach knots or racing thoughts when searching through their belongings, or the way the body might naturally tense at the thought of the loved one. Chronically being in this state of heightened emotion can lead to constantly expecting that “adrenaline hit,” which in turn feeds that “obsessive-compulsive” hunger. We have a thought, it leads to stress, we get that “hit”, we act out on the thought, we validate our thought, we get another “hit”. Those spikes in adrenaline and state of stress become a new normal for the body, and there becomes a normalization of crisis and expectation of chaos. When the addict’s behavior sets the temperature of our daily experience and we enter into a world of chaos, we can very easily lose sight of ourselves and just how irrational our thinking and behaviors have become. 

When we speak of recovery, we view this as a holistic process in which those directly affected by a loved one’s addiction must enter into their own recovery journey. It is a process of letting go of perceived control and regaining power over what is controllable. By confronting the expectation of crisis and setting firm boundaries over thoughts and behaviors, we can slowly move out of a world consumed by chaos and regain the safety of mind, decision, and sense of self. 

Did You Know You Were Hardwired With Needs?

We have been hardwired to have longings and needs. When we fail to acknowledge the longings within us we tend to cycle through a pattern of disappointment, trying to empower ourselves by usually using something that will make us feel half full (like eating junk food when we are hungry), followed by shame and penance in response to our bad choices. Basically, this is where bad habits and addictions start.

It’s time for people to stop ignoring their longings and start inviting God into the process of meeting their needs. Most people have no idea what they need, or they feel guilty and shameful for having needs as if having a need makes them needy. Having a need makes you normal.

God has hardwired you with needs so that you would seek out His love to meet these needs and so that you would allow yourself to be loved by others.

I tell my clients all the time that the very things that a child needs to thrive is the very things we need to thrive. Here is my own basic list:

1. Need to be Loved – touch, affirmation, mutuality, affirmation
2. Need to Create – art, music, writing, decorating, creating order
3. Need for Beauty – visual stimulation, color, beauty, outdoors
4. Need for Joy – a good laugh, life-giving people and activities
5. Need for Peace – quiet, alone time, things that bring you peace
6. Need for Passion – excitement, vision, new experiences
7. Need to feel safe and secure –stability, comfort, being able to depend on others
8. Need to impact our world and others – using our inborn talents and gifts to impact our world positively.

The next time you are stirred up, ask yourself what need you are suppressing that you need to bring to God. God promises to meet our needs. It may not fall in your lap, but it will come if we look for it, even if it is from the woman you meet in the grocery store.

19 And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19 (NIV)