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The Seven Cardinal Sins of Manipulative Parenting

The Seven Cardinal Sins of Manipulative Parenting

How do you feel after someone has manipulated, guilted or shamed you into doing something for them?   You do not feel good about yourself. You feel shameful and have poor self-esteem after the matter. To compound matters, how do you feel when you have no choice in a matter, and you are not allowed to share your feelings or say no?  You probably feel powerless and violated in addition to feeling guilty, shameful, condemned, and perhaps lacking trust in the other person. Unfortunately, parents in their own feelings of powerlessness sometimes resort to manipulative techniques to get their children to comply with their requests.  We have all been there and done that type of behavior in the parenting journey, however, if we grew up with emotionally or verbally abusive behavior, we may not realize when we are being manipulative in our parenting. We desire to empower our children to move toward the design their creator has made them, but we take away some of the fuel they need to achieve their plan when we inadvertently steal some of their emotional strength via manipulative parenting techniques.  In the attached podcast, Licensed professional counselor, Sharon Wegman, and counselor Cait Beiler discuss the seven cardinal sins parents can inadvertently do that harm their children. Ephesians 6:4 cautions parents, and our podcast focuses on these provoking behaviors:

  1. Too much talking, lecturing, and nagging.
  2. Parental tirades and temper tantrums.
  3. Parental tears and guilt trips.
  4. Parental threats of harm to the child.
  5. Inconsistency in the parenting.
  6. Disagreement in front of the children.
  7. Lack of giving to the children.

How to Stop Leaking onto Others and Yourself

What is it about the American culture that makes us feel powerless whenever we feel emotional pain? It seems that we have grown weaker in our ability to feel pain with someone, to walk someone through pain, and/or deal with painful topics because it triggers our own painful experiences from our past. We somehow have come to the place where we avoid topics and conversations that are painful for fear of how the other person will react, and so we stay in a powerless place instead of dealing with that which is painful. We have been talking about powerlessness in our communication a lot this week in my office. Our words can reflect powerlessness through the need to argue, correct someone or devalue what someone states because whatever they are saying is triggering emotional pain in us. For example, we may have an unexpected event occur at work, and we leave work feeling powerless and arrive home only to be argumentative, critical or disagreeable with our family or friends. If we were able to express our powerlessness and what we need to our family and friends upon our arrival home, much of our reactions would have been averted. So, how do we keep our own powerlessness and triggers from seeping out onto those whom we interact? Self-awareness is the answer. Self-awareness allows us to understand what we can and cannot deal with on any given day. Jesus himself was very self-aware. He knew what he could and could not deal with on any given day and instead of taking back his power in how he communicated with his friends, he stated what he needed for himself and he stated what he could or could not do. Jesus never needed to argue a point to prove he was right because he simply knew what he needed. Self-awareness is built by daily reflection on my own emotional and spiritual state and moving toward the things that will fill the need or void. When I fail to do self-reflection, I put myself in a position where I will be surprised by how I interact with a person, surprised in my yielding to a temptation or feeling unfulfilled. It’s time to reflect on what you are feeling and needing so that we can walk one another through difficult times instead of reacting to people. So what are you feeling today? What do you need?

“Find a quiet, secluded place, so you won’t be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace.” (Matthew 6:6 Msg)